Sometimes things don’t work out quite like you would hope. There are setbacks, and there are mistakes. My prolonged absence (about a month) from posting here wasn’t something that I planned, but I now find myself in a position where I can be open and honest about what has happened to me, and what I am doing now.
As I have been able to share with some that are very close to this particular squirrel, I’ve had a relapse. This was not something I wanted to even share with the world, I was so ashamed. Upset that I had thrown out everything I had gained in the five months of nut-freedom. However, this isn’t the end at all, but rather a sign to keep going and to try harder. There is an Information Pamphlet called “Relapse and Recovery” that tells us that relapse isn’t failure, but hopefully something to learn from in our road to complete recovery.
I’ve also gotten some wonderful advice from some very close friends, whose reaching out to me (sometimes from across the globe) who were concerned about me and helped me reconnect with whatever was causing me to want to withdraw and separate myself from reality. Without seeing those emails sitting in my box, reminding me that someone cared about me and that I needed to care about myself. So, thank you.
I can’t neglect to mention that without the support of the people I love and who love me, and especially including my squirrelly nestmate who has stood by me through everything, that I would be totally and completely lost (instead of being partially lost as I am now.)
When I first fully seized on the idea of taking that first nut, I had intended to go on about business as usual. I thought I could fool everyone, and it would all be ok. I would continue to post, continue to do my work, and continue on life as normal. I was only fooling myself . . . Things began to fall apart in many different ways, and it was clear that I wasn’t fooling anyone. I retreated from posting, too ashamed to muster up anything to say and too afraid to admit my mistakes to anyone including myself, I just continued deeper down the road of nut abuse. At least that numbed the pain that I had caused myself – and with that mask of false euphoria I was able to continue the cycle until it eventually caused some serious harm. To myself, and to those around me.
As happy as I am to have support, this is my problem and no one else’s. I have to figure out what I am going to do to fix this to keep it from happening again. I really do love my nut-free life; the rewards have been endless. But escaping the nut fixation is something that I still have yet to completely achieve. But I’m not giving up. I’m still trying.
Today will be 6 days nut free. Tomorrow will be a week. I will do only what I can do, one day at a time.
Thank you again to everyone who has supported me and who loves me.
P. Squirrel out!