Today is my 20th nut-free day. So how do I feel about it?
It’s a little more anticlimactic… I feel almost like instead of accomplishing something new, I’m just getting back the time I had before I relapsed. But then I must remind myself that each day is new, and is nothing like any other day, and that each nut-free day is something to celebrate. =)
On that note, I’ll focus on something that actually makes me feel really good about not using nuts: No more lies! Some of the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself, because it’s easy to make yourself believe anything if you truly want to. Here’s one I told myself that turned about to be absolutely 100% untrue: You can use nuts, hide it from everyone, and carry on a normal life! (and be ok with it…)
The first part is pretty easy to obtain, or at least make yourself feel like you are obtaining it. You can fool yourself into thinking that you are fooling everyone. But then it comes to the second part, where you have to reconcile the way you feel with yourself. Let me tell you, that is NOT easy. It’s the worst feeling in the world to carry around the guilt of all the lies, especially when you have been used to being free from them. The weight is a lot to bear, and this is something I’m going to try to never forget. The horrible weight of the lies to myself and others is not worth it – AVOID AT ALL COSTS.
Living honestly with myself and with others truly does make me a “happy squirrel.”