I’m sorry.

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I wanted to just say that I am sorry for all the pain I have caused to my family and friends, and my loving companion squirrel.  I am truly sorry for the difficulties that my addiction has brought into all our lives.  I want to try to make amends in as many ways as I possibly can, and I only can plead for forgiveness and love from everyone, even though I do make mistakes, I don’t make them with the intention of hurting anyone, although I know I do.

I’m sorry.

Keep on trying!

I just wanted to quickly say thank you to everyone who has told me that it’s ok not to be perfect, and the important thing is to not give up and to keep trying.  I especially appreciate those who I am closest to who have always loved me, and haven’t given up on me.  I promise I won’t give up on myself.

Secret squirrels...

Hard-working squirrels in training!

Thoughts on 20 days . . .

Today is my 20th nut-free day.  So how do I feel about it?

It’s a little more anticlimactic… I feel almost like instead of accomplishing something new, I’m just getting back the time I had before I relapsed.  But then I must remind myself that each day is new, and is nothing like any other day, and that each nut-free day is something to celebrate. =)

On that note, I’ll focus on something that actually makes me feel really good about not using nuts:  No more lies!  Some of the worst lies are the ones you tell yourself, because it’s easy to make yourself believe anything if you truly want to.  Here’s one I told myself that turned about to be absolutely 100% untrue:  You can use nuts, hide it from everyone, and carry on a normal life! (and be ok with it…)

The first part is pretty easy to obtain, or at least make yourself feel like you are obtaining it.  You can fool yourself into thinking that you are fooling everyone.  But then it comes to the second part, where you have to reconcile the way you feel with yourself.  Let me tell you, that is NOT easy.  It’s the worst feeling in the world to carry around the guilt of all the lies, especially when you have been used to being free from them.  The weight is a lot to bear, and this is something I’m going to try to never forget.  The horrible weight of the lies to myself and others is not worth it – AVOID AT ALL COSTS.

Living honestly with myself and with others truly does make me a “happy squirrel.”

"The Happy Squirrel!" "That's bad?" "Possibly, the cards are vague and mysterious" the fortune teller says dismissively, with a shrug.

“The Happy Squirrel!”
“That’s bad?”
“Possibly, the cards are vague and mysterious” the fortune teller says dismissively, with a shrug.

#13 – The pain can also be self-induced . . .

Many times when talking about addiction, there is reference to the personal pain that a person might be feeling, that will cause them to turn to nuts.  I can acknowledge that is true, and I’ve found solace in nuts many times before after suffering actual or perceived pain.

My thought for this morning is to be thankful that I am free from the pain of active addition, and that is a pain that I am responsible for.  It is my CHOICE to use nuts (or not), and when I do make that choice there is a calculated degree of pain that comes along with it.  Even as the nuts numb my mind to the pain I am causing myself, it’s there none-the-less, just waiting to emerge after the nuts run out as they always do.

So today I will celebrate the freedom from that pain that is self-induced, and today choose to be nut-free.  On that note, here’s something crazy and squirrel related!

Rock on squirrels!

Rock on, squirrels!

P. Squirrel out!

#10

Punch a shark . . .

“I’ve always wanted to uh.. upper cut a punkass. . .And send him flying onto a table, preferably with a cake or a bowl of punch on it.” – Dane Cook

Wow – that squirrel isn’t messing around.  Not only is he dressed in business casual (tie only), but he’s taking out the king of the deep with a swift upper-cut.  Now THAT is an inspiring squirrel!  Normally I don’t approve of violence, but I know this squirrel must have has a good reason to do what it did!  Just some squirrel silliness on day 10 of being nut free . . . I wanted to post SOMETHING!

Comic credit to DERNWERKS. Copyright 2009.

Say anything!! It’s ok!!

Reminding myself that if there is ever something that I’m thinking about but don’t feel like I can talk about it with anyone, I can talk about it here.  This is my forum to release my thoughts that would otherwise be swirling around in my head and poisoning my thoughts.  Whatever I am thinking about, I can safely say it here.

For example, right now I am feeling rather anxious.  But also physically tired . . . it’s been a long day of squirreling.  I’m so lucky to have what I do have in my life, and I desperately want to hang on to all the good that I have and not lose it because of bad choices, like I have so many times in the past.

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For now, I’m content to post this picture of a “talking squirrel!”  I just love baby squirrels, they are so cute!!!