Continued adventures of the recovering squirrel . . .

I wanted to check in with everyone and let you know how I’m doing these days.

Let me start off my saying that the therapist I’ve been seeing is absolutely wonderful.  She makes me feel like I can talk about anything that is bothering me, and I won’t be judged.  I feel like I’m in a safe place to talk about everything I’ve been through in my life, and that’s been a LOT.  I’ve already been illuminated to a lot of ways I act and feel that I wasn’t fully aware of, or even if I was aware of it I wasn’t sure how to really deal with it.

I’m working on self-acceptance . . . the idea that I am OK just the way I am, and I don’t have to change a thing.  This was quite the concept to thing about, since I’ve been so intent on CHANGING myself to not be an addict, to be a successful person, etc.  I always thought there was something I was missing, or something I needed to mold myself into.  I’ve also been working on being present in the moment, not dwelling on the past or wishing for the future, but that RIGHT NOW was a good time and place to be in with plenty of opportunities for success.

It’s amazing to have someone care about me in a way that is totally unconnected to any relationship – just someone who I can talk to and who will listen and has helpful suggestions.  I also get to talk about how I feel – and have been working on accepting that the emotions I feel are ok, normal, and healthy.  Instead of trying to squish them back down inside me for anyone else’s benefit, I can let them out and be alright with it.  I’ve already been able to talk about my feelings more with other people who would have before maybe just dismissed me as overly emotional.  Yes I am emotional.  Yes I am a male (squirrel)…  That’s another thing we’ve been talking about – cultural perceptions, whether verbal or non-verbal, about traditional male roles.

I don’t know why, but something (or someone) somewhere along the way caused me to want to squash my emotions down and suppress them for other people.  Maybe it’s because that’s what I watched other people do, at least until they erupted into a overflow of an outburst.

I’m a little bummed out my therapist was sick today, so I couldn’t go in.  All in all I feel ok, but was looking forward to continuing to explore and learn about ME.

Another thing we’ve been exploring is my propensity to put others needs, wants, desires, etc in front of my own, often in an effort to show them how much I love or care about them I will subjugate myself.  Why?  Not sure.  I feel like it’s always been that way, but we’re working on it.

Believe it or not we’re also working on my addiction too.  I love how she helps me to confront the reality of addiction without trying to make me feel bad about it.  She believes that addiction is a disease, but that no disease is bigger than any person.

In regards to not being on here and posting as often as I used to… there are two reasons.  First, my new job affords me LOTS of time to compose blog posts, but unfortunately also restricts access to the WordPress site.  So it’s difficult to get on here and read, write, and respond like I used to enjoy so much.  Second, I feel like this blog has helped me grow as a person.  I’m no longer the squirrel of over a year ago when I started this project… I was able to write, examine myself, and grow a small support system that has been there for me more than a few times (I’m talking about you Evil Squirrel, GentleStitches, and wonderful others!)  I’m pleasantly surprised at how this blog continues to live on despite my slowing down on new posts, and I hope that others who read will be inspired by watching my successes and motivated by my failures.  I’ve learned so much, and plan on continuing to learn as much as I can about myself.

Return of the Squirrel

Wow has it been a month already?  I’ve been having my ups and downs but right now things are doing well for me and I wanted to come here and update everyone on how I was doing.

First I wanted to comment on something I was reflecting on, about how even though I haven’t been posting anything new for a while, all my old posts and struggles and stories are there on the web for people to search out and read.  And you have been!  I’m just thankfully surprised at the number of people who do read what I write, and I appreciate it and hope that you get something out of my personal story.  I hope that I have inspired someone – not because I’ve had any terrific victory or success, but mostly because I haven’t given up and I’m not going to give up.

My last posts were discussing my plans to seek talk-counseling therapy and how that was going for me.  My first attempt didn’t go so well, but I’m happy to say that I’m trying again and have an appointment to talk to someone coming up next Tuesday, and I’m really happy about it.

I’m at a point in my life where some seriously hard changes need to be made, and I need to take things seriously and try to grow up a little bit.  Just having a new job doesn’t fix all your problems, just like buying a chocolate bar doesn’t fix all your problems.  At least the chocolate bar tastes great!

My job is going pretty awesome, all things considered.  The swing shift is quiet, and I do get a lot of work done which I like.  I have a little time for myself too, and have been trying to do some on-line classes to fill the time.  I’ve always had a problem with on-line learning, having gone through the 4-year university program I’m very much used to a classroom setting and tend to have motivation issues when in an on-line only education setting.  But I’m trying… trying new things and retrying old ones.  Just the RIGHT old ones.

I’ll try to keep everyone more updated on my progress, and at least let you guys know how Tuesday goes.  Until then, I hope everyone is doing well.  For the moment, I am. =)

P. Squirrel out

New things . . .

Today I’m going to do something I haven’t ever done before – go sit down “one on one” and talk with someone about myself, my problems, my life, and whatever else they want to talk about regarding me.  I’m hoping that I’ll be able to gain some further insight as to why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do.

I’ve tried a great many things; I’ve gone through a county sponsored out-patient rehabilitation, I’ve tried Narcotics Anonymous, and to varying degrees both these things worked in very much the way they were supposed to.  But I’ve come to realize there is more going on then I can fix by myself, or even with just the things I’ve learned from these various programs and groups.  It’s time to get serious about the job of FIXING myself.  I’m pretty sure I’ve got some good ideas about what the problems might be, I’m just clueless as to what to do about that.

As some of you observed, I’ve had to re-set my “nut free” date yet again.  Rather than dwelling on the negative aspects that are connected with that reality, I’m choosing to focus on the future going forward, making sure that this time is the LAST TIME I ever have to reset that date.  Whatever it takes . . .  Things have changed and I have responsibilities to make sure get taken care of.  People are counting on me.  One of these people is myself.  I need to count on myself, and I need to take care of myself.  That means getting help when I need it – and that is exactly what I’m going to be doing today.  I’ll let everyone know how it goes.

-P. Squirrel out!