Continued adventures of the recovering squirrel . . .

I wanted to check in with everyone and let you know how I’m doing these days.

Let me start off my saying that the therapist I’ve been seeing is absolutely wonderful.  She makes me feel like I can talk about anything that is bothering me, and I won’t be judged.  I feel like I’m in a safe place to talk about everything I’ve been through in my life, and that’s been a LOT.  I’ve already been illuminated to a lot of ways I act and feel that I wasn’t fully aware of, or even if I was aware of it I wasn’t sure how to really deal with it.

I’m working on self-acceptance . . . the idea that I am OK just the way I am, and I don’t have to change a thing.  This was quite the concept to thing about, since I’ve been so intent on CHANGING myself to not be an addict, to be a successful person, etc.  I always thought there was something I was missing, or something I needed to mold myself into.  I’ve also been working on being present in the moment, not dwelling on the past or wishing for the future, but that RIGHT NOW was a good time and place to be in with plenty of opportunities for success.

It’s amazing to have someone care about me in a way that is totally unconnected to any relationship – just someone who I can talk to and who will listen and has helpful suggestions.  I also get to talk about how I feel – and have been working on accepting that the emotions I feel are ok, normal, and healthy.  Instead of trying to squish them back down inside me for anyone else’s benefit, I can let them out and be alright with it.  I’ve already been able to talk about my feelings more with other people who would have before maybe just dismissed me as overly emotional.  Yes I am emotional.  Yes I am a male (squirrel)…  That’s another thing we’ve been talking about – cultural perceptions, whether verbal or non-verbal, about traditional male roles.

I don’t know why, but something (or someone) somewhere along the way caused me to want to squash my emotions down and suppress them for other people.  Maybe it’s because that’s what I watched other people do, at least until they erupted into a overflow of an outburst.

I’m a little bummed out my therapist was sick today, so I couldn’t go in.  All in all I feel ok, but was looking forward to continuing to explore and learn about ME.

Another thing we’ve been exploring is my propensity to put others needs, wants, desires, etc in front of my own, often in an effort to show them how much I love or care about them I will subjugate myself.  Why?  Not sure.  I feel like it’s always been that way, but we’re working on it.

Believe it or not we’re also working on my addiction too.  I love how she helps me to confront the reality of addiction without trying to make me feel bad about it.  She believes that addiction is a disease, but that no disease is bigger than any person.

In regards to not being on here and posting as often as I used to… there are two reasons.  First, my new job affords me LOTS of time to compose blog posts, but unfortunately also restricts access to the WordPress site.  So it’s difficult to get on here and read, write, and respond like I used to enjoy so much.  Second, I feel like this blog has helped me grow as a person.  I’m no longer the squirrel of over a year ago when I started this project… I was able to write, examine myself, and grow a small support system that has been there for me more than a few times (I’m talking about you Evil Squirrel, GentleStitches, and wonderful others!)  I’m pleasantly surprised at how this blog continues to live on despite my slowing down on new posts, and I hope that others who read will be inspired by watching my successes and motivated by my failures.  I’ve learned so much, and plan on continuing to learn as much as I can about myself.

Return of the Squirrel

Wow has it been a month already?  I’ve been having my ups and downs but right now things are doing well for me and I wanted to come here and update everyone on how I was doing.

First I wanted to comment on something I was reflecting on, about how even though I haven’t been posting anything new for a while, all my old posts and struggles and stories are there on the web for people to search out and read.  And you have been!  I’m just thankfully surprised at the number of people who do read what I write, and I appreciate it and hope that you get something out of my personal story.  I hope that I have inspired someone – not because I’ve had any terrific victory or success, but mostly because I haven’t given up and I’m not going to give up.

My last posts were discussing my plans to seek talk-counseling therapy and how that was going for me.  My first attempt didn’t go so well, but I’m happy to say that I’m trying again and have an appointment to talk to someone coming up next Tuesday, and I’m really happy about it.

I’m at a point in my life where some seriously hard changes need to be made, and I need to take things seriously and try to grow up a little bit.  Just having a new job doesn’t fix all your problems, just like buying a chocolate bar doesn’t fix all your problems.  At least the chocolate bar tastes great!

My job is going pretty awesome, all things considered.  The swing shift is quiet, and I do get a lot of work done which I like.  I have a little time for myself too, and have been trying to do some on-line classes to fill the time.  I’ve always had a problem with on-line learning, having gone through the 4-year university program I’m very much used to a classroom setting and tend to have motivation issues when in an on-line only education setting.  But I’m trying… trying new things and retrying old ones.  Just the RIGHT old ones.

I’ll try to keep everyone more updated on my progress, and at least let you guys know how Tuesday goes.  Until then, I hope everyone is doing well.  For the moment, I am. =)

P. Squirrel out

25 days and counting!

This Pensive Squirrel is still at it – yes, still nut free after 25 days, and feeling pretty good about it too!

As far as one on one counseling, it was different than what I expected.  I’m not sure what I expected, exactly, but it sure was different.  It took me about a full week and wrap my head around what I was being told.  I have been so wrapped up in trying to figure out WHY I am the way I am, and it seems I should have been concentrating more energy on the present and future instead of the past.

I’m not sure if I 100% agree with that technique.  There is certainly something to be gained from looking at the past, but I suppose the point is that it’s nothing that is going to help me IMMEDIATELY.  Sure I might gain some perspective, but it’s not going to help in the short term.  I’ve already got plans to start talking to yet someone else about my deep-seated issues not related to addiction, but more to my life in general.  I’m scheduled to go back in a week and see this guy, so we’ll see how it turns out.

In the meantime, everything seems to be going well in other areas of my life.  I started my new shift yesterday evening, so I’m now working in the afternoon and evening hours as Technical Support.  I’m the voice at the end of the line after 4:30pm when you call for technical support for my organization.  Thing about it, most people go HOME after 4:30pm, so as you can imagine there haven’t been that many calls.  Perfect time for me to relax, meditate, dedicate some time to myself and my other projects of interest, and whenever the phone rings, I’m on!  I really enjoy helping people, and that’s what my job is now.  So that part of my life has been going fantastic!

I’m looking back and almost can’t believe it’s really been 25 nut free days so far – it feels like the time has flown by.  I’m certainly not missing all the cravings and ill feelings I had, or the dependency on those nuts to help keep my mood regulated.  Funny thing about that though, I thought they were making me happy and calm and relaxed, but I would seem to fly off the handle at any little thing, and in general I had a much shorter temper and was more easily aggravated with the nuts.  So, good riddance to bad nuts!

Don’t be like the squirrel on the right . . .

Still working on the concept of making a life where it’s easier NOT to use – so far so good.  There have been some trying times where I felt like it would be easy to slip back into the comfortable numbness that the nuts provide – but that wouldn’t be a SOLUTION.  Sometimes things in life that we have to face are uncomfortable, unpleasant, or upsetting.  But they are never permanent; life is fluid and ever changing.  I feel I gained a lot by being able to work through my problems by facing them head on, and was able to resist the urge to just cover up the issues (and make more problems) with nuts.

Thanks for reading everyone!  My new job keeps me pretty busy but I’ll try to keep everyone as updated as I can! =)

P. Squirrel out!!

New things . . .

Today I’m going to do something I haven’t ever done before – go sit down “one on one” and talk with someone about myself, my problems, my life, and whatever else they want to talk about regarding me.  I’m hoping that I’ll be able to gain some further insight as to why I am the way I am, and why I do the things I do.

I’ve tried a great many things; I’ve gone through a county sponsored out-patient rehabilitation, I’ve tried Narcotics Anonymous, and to varying degrees both these things worked in very much the way they were supposed to.  But I’ve come to realize there is more going on then I can fix by myself, or even with just the things I’ve learned from these various programs and groups.  It’s time to get serious about the job of FIXING myself.  I’m pretty sure I’ve got some good ideas about what the problems might be, I’m just clueless as to what to do about that.

As some of you observed, I’ve had to re-set my “nut free” date yet again.  Rather than dwelling on the negative aspects that are connected with that reality, I’m choosing to focus on the future going forward, making sure that this time is the LAST TIME I ever have to reset that date.  Whatever it takes . . .  Things have changed and I have responsibilities to make sure get taken care of.  People are counting on me.  One of these people is myself.  I need to count on myself, and I need to take care of myself.  That means getting help when I need it – and that is exactly what I’m going to be doing today.  I’ll let everyone know how it goes.

-P. Squirrel out!

 

Creating a new life…

Here are some amazing words of wisdom.  I don’t know why, but I never really looked at it this way before.  Gives me a whole new perspective.

You don’t recover from an addiction by stopping using. You recover by creating a new life where it is easier to not use.

Just for Today – Membership

“There is only one requirement for membership, the desire to stop using.” – Basic Text, p. 9

We all know people who could benefit from Narcotics Anonymous. Many people we encounter from all walks of life-our family members, old friends, and co-workers-could really use a program of recovery in their lives. Sadly, those who need us don’t always find their way to our rooms.

NA is a program of attraction, not promotion. We are only members when we say we are. We can bring our friends and loved ones to a meeting if they are willing, but we cannot force them to embrace the way of life that has given us freedom from active addiction.

Membership in Narcotics Anonymous is a highly personal decision. The choice to become a member is made in the heart of each individual addict. In the long run, coerced meeting attendance doesn’t keep too many addicts in our rooms. Only addicts who are still suffering, if given the opportunity, can decide if they are powerless over their addiction. We can carry the message, but we can’t carry the addict.

Just for Today: I am grateful for my decision to become a member of Narcotics Anonymous.

Copyright (c) 2013, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Just For Today – Those who want to recover

“We have seen the program work for any addict who honestly and sincerely wants to stop [using drugs].” – Basic Text, p. 10

How do we know when someone honestly and sincerely wants to stop using drugs? The truth is that we don’t know! Because we cannot read minds or know another’s motives and desires, we simply have to hope for the best.

We may talk to a newcomer at a meeting and think we’ll never see them again, only to find them several years later doing well in their recovery. We may be tempted to give up on someone who keeps relapsing or doesn’t get clean right away, but we must not. No matter how unwilling someone may seem, a simple fact remains-the addict is at a meeting.

We may never know the results of our Twelfth Step work; it is not up to us to gauge the willingness of a newcomer. The message we carry is a part of us. We carry it everywhere and share it freely, leaving the results to a Power greater than ourselves.

Just for Today: I will share my recovery with any addict, anywhere, anytime, and under any circumstances. I will leave the results to my Higher Power.

Copyright (c) 2013, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Just for Today – Responsibility

“A lot happens in one day, both negative and positive. If we do not take the time to appreciate both, perhaps we will miss something that will help us grow.” – IP No.8, Just For Today

Responsibility, responsibility-the responsibilities of life are everywhere. We’re “supposed to” wear seat belts. We’re “supposed to” clean our homes. We’re “supposed to” do certain things for our spouse, our children, the people we sponsor. On top of all this, we’re “supposed to” go to meetings and practice our program as best we can. It’s no wonder that, sometimes, we want to run from all these tasks and escape to some far-off island where we’re not “supposed to” do anything!

At times like these, when we’ve become overwhelmed with our responsibilities, we have forgotten that responsibility need not be burdensome. When we have a desire to run away from our responsibilities we need to slow down, remember why we have chosen them, and pay attention to the gifts they bring. Whether it’s a job we normally find challenging and interesting, or a partner whose personality we are usually excited by, or a child whom we naturally like to play with and care for, there is joy to be found in all the responsibilities of our lives.

Just for Today: Each moment is special. I will pay attention, grateful for my responsibilities and the special joys they bring.

Copyright (c) 2013, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

A squirrel at work!

Here’s what I look like doing my new job!

Hacker Squirrel!!! =)

So far I’m having a blast!  It feels so good to be helping people use their technology, or fix it when it’s broken.

An unfortunate side effect has been a lot less free time to post here, but I expect within another month things will calm down and I can resume a more normal posting schedule.  I just wanted to check in with everyone and let you all know that I’m doing well!  Just super busy! =)

-P. Squirrel out!

Just for Today – Alone no more

“We gradually and carefully pull ourselves out of the isolation and loneliness of addiction and into the mainstream of life.” – Basic Text, p. 37

Many of us spent much of our using time alone, avoiding other people-especially people who were not using-at all costs. After years of isolation, trying to find a place for ourselves in a bustling, sometimes boisterous fellowship is not always easy. We may still feel isolated, focusing on our differences rather than our similarities. The overwhelming feelings that often arise in early recovery-feelings of fear, anger, and mistrust-can also keep us isolated. We may feel like aliens but we must remember, the alienation is ours, not NA’s.

In Narcotics Anonymous, we are offered a very special opportunity for friendship. We are brought together with people who understand us like no one else can. We are encouraged to share with these people our feelings, our problems, our triumphs, and our failures. Slowly, the recognition and identification we find in NA bridge the lonely gap of alienation in our hearts. As we’ve heard it said-the program works, if we let it.

Just for Today: The friendship of other members of the fellowship is a life-sustaining gift. I will reach out for the friendship that’s offered in NA, and accept it.

Copyright (c) 2013, NA World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved