I wanted to check in with everyone and let you know how I’m doing these days.
Let me start off my saying that the therapist I’ve been seeing is absolutely wonderful. She makes me feel like I can talk about anything that is bothering me, and I won’t be judged. I feel like I’m in a safe place to talk about everything I’ve been through in my life, and that’s been a LOT. I’ve already been illuminated to a lot of ways I act and feel that I wasn’t fully aware of, or even if I was aware of it I wasn’t sure how to really deal with it.
I’m working on self-acceptance . . . the idea that I am OK just the way I am, and I don’t have to change a thing. This was quite the concept to thing about, since I’ve been so intent on CHANGING myself to not be an addict, to be a successful person, etc. I always thought there was something I was missing, or something I needed to mold myself into. I’ve also been working on being present in the moment, not dwelling on the past or wishing for the future, but that RIGHT NOW was a good time and place to be in with plenty of opportunities for success.
It’s amazing to have someone care about me in a way that is totally unconnected to any relationship – just someone who I can talk to and who will listen and has helpful suggestions. I also get to talk about how I feel – and have been working on accepting that the emotions I feel are ok, normal, and healthy. Instead of trying to squish them back down inside me for anyone else’s benefit, I can let them out and be alright with it. I’ve already been able to talk about my feelings more with other people who would have before maybe just dismissed me as overly emotional. Yes I am emotional. Yes I am a male (squirrel)… That’s another thing we’ve been talking about – cultural perceptions, whether verbal or non-verbal, about traditional male roles.
I don’t know why, but something (or someone) somewhere along the way caused me to want to squash my emotions down and suppress them for other people. Maybe it’s because that’s what I watched other people do, at least until they erupted into a overflow of an outburst.
I’m a little bummed out my therapist was sick today, so I couldn’t go in. All in all I feel ok, but was looking forward to continuing to explore and learn about ME.
Another thing we’ve been exploring is my propensity to put others needs, wants, desires, etc in front of my own, often in an effort to show them how much I love or care about them I will subjugate myself. Why? Not sure. I feel like it’s always been that way, but we’re working on it.
Believe it or not we’re also working on my addiction too. I love how she helps me to confront the reality of addiction without trying to make me feel bad about it. She believes that addiction is a disease, but that no disease is bigger than any person.
In regards to not being on here and posting as often as I used to… there are two reasons. First, my new job affords me LOTS of time to compose blog posts, but unfortunately also restricts access to the WordPress site. So it’s difficult to get on here and read, write, and respond like I used to enjoy so much. Second, I feel like this blog has helped me grow as a person. I’m no longer the squirrel of over a year ago when I started this project… I was able to write, examine myself, and grow a small support system that has been there for me more than a few times (I’m talking about you Evil Squirrel, GentleStitches, and wonderful others!) I’m pleasantly surprised at how this blog continues to live on despite my slowing down on new posts, and I hope that others who read will be inspired by watching my successes and motivated by my failures. I’ve learned so much, and plan on continuing to learn as much as I can about myself.